Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
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The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Based Erika
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Sex so good you see dead people.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
True?
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
That 👊