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Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
…u ok Nintendo?
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5