[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
You Might Also Like
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares