[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
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If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Happy thanksgiving
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?