One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
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Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Note to self: I am a note
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Noted.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
felt that
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports