“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
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– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.