you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
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*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
They’re stuck in your pants?
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.