My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
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bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I am all good here, 😂😉
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing