GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
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Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Danger is very dangerous
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.