Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
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6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.