I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
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This is the one
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Woke up against my better judgment again
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad