Horrifying if literal: a handbag
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I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!