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Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
calling in to work dehydrated
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I have many caverns
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.