Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
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Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.