Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
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Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
the world’s most popular steaming services
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Cheers Twitter.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Muppet Screams
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.