Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
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Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Get in loser we’re going crying
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Namaste
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus