SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
You Might Also Like
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
The news in a nutshell.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]