I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
You Might Also Like
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”