My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
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Plant care tips
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10