Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
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Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter