I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
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I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.