Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
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What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
“what that mouth do?” complain
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Happy thanksgiving!
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.