Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
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3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
They must have gotten it to go.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
My sex drive has a dui
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
crochet youtube is brutal
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago