[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
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Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
just gave your address to some spiders
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
i wish i could marry a nap
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.