I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
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The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.