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Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
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Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
this is the greatest thing ever
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.