Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
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The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
The news is so predictable nowadays
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves