ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
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so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.