[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
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They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
I WON A HAM TODAY
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
absolute chaos
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10