I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
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5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
then why did i get this email
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.