Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
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Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda