[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
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got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.