Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
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Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
bias laundering edition
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Omg 🤣
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.