[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
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While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Me driving through Toronto
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
😂😂
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.