i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
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If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.