It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
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That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.