Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
You Might Also Like
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
he was correct
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids