Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
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there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
lmao
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??