Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
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“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
A friend helps you before you need it
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!