Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
You Might Also Like
😅😅😅
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit