My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
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Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
I like crazy people until they notice me
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Is this you?
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“