My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
You Might Also Like
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Are you ok, human???
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.