Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
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In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.