The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
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I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Have kids, they said
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.