can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
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Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!