Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
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Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.