Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
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♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Based Erika
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Incredible customer service.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah