when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
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Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Oh deer
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.