[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
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Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Oops I deleted….
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.