Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
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If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
My biological clock is wheezing.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.